As a mother, you know your kids like the back of your hand–and sometimes, it may feel like you know them a little too well. That’s why when Meghan Maza Oeser prepared to leave the children alone with her husband while away on girls’ weekend, she wasn’t sparing him any of the gory details.
“I’m writing this to you out of love, not fear.” Meghan starts off in her letter. “I wanted to go over a few things with you before you embark on this weekend alone… with the others.”
“Upon arriving home after work, things won’t seem so bad. The others will hug, jump, and for the most part, be pretty excited to see you. This will be short lived… I promise,” she warns.
The mom then continues to bluntly describe the horror stories that await her husband in the upcoming couple days.
Dinner will suck. Bailey will want pizza, while Harper will ask for hot dogs. Quinn will cry when you say the word hot dog, and will insist on mac n cheese (not the orange kind or the white kind, but the purple kind). We’ll be fresh out of the purple kind, so she’ll ask for toast. You’ll already have started making mac n cheese for Penny, but since she heard Quinn ask for toast, she’ll also want that toast.
You’ll want to sit down and relax after dinner, but I’m warning you against this. It will get quiet…REAL quiet. This is when you’ll realize that the threenager has fallen asleep somewhere. Do NOT let the threenager fall asleep. You’re basically f*cked if this happens.
Pajamas. F*CK pajamas. Don’t even ATTEMPT anything but a nightgown for Penny. And if you cannot find a nightgown for Penny, keep f*cking looking. She’ll ask for her Minnie Mouse nightgown, but once you put it on, she’ll scream in agony because the sleeves are CLEARLY ripping her f*cking arms off. Just find her Elsa one. Chances are, it’s dirty as sh*t, but so what…
Quinn, Harper, and Bailey will go down seamlessly. Just wait. As they lie in their beds, they’ll then realize that their tiny mouths are on God damned fire… They will come down one by one every god damned five minutes for water. Don’t let ANYONE use Quinn’s pink Elsa cup. If she sees this, she will lose her holy sh*t.
Breakfast… Penny might want cereal, or she’ll go for toast. Whatever you do LET HER PICK HER SPOON. Chances are, Quinn will have the ULTIMATE spoon, and Penny will convince you that you’ve left her with the sh*ttiest spoon in the bunch. Sometimes I’ll give her a fork, and then flip her off.
Believe it or not, Meghan’s letter includes even more hilarious cautionary tales than just the ones mentioned above–read her entire note on Facebook.